My first time... (blush)

Today marks the start of my new literary life as a blogger-wannabe. I was kinda devastated that Yahoo 360 got shut down. First the pictures, then the rest of everything... sigh.

I managed to save all the stuff I wrote there previously and I will try to put em up here as much as time permits. Was kinda sceptical at first trying to understand the technical bits involving setting up the account and all the jargon involving page formatting blah blah blah, but seeing as to how this might benefit my grandchildren one day (raighttt), I too would like to see how mentally screwed I turn out in years to come.

First posts are always a chore. I must admit it is way more difficult than grabbing that pair of tan wedges in a size 6 before that anal retentive skank in the next aisle with the cheap sunnies and last season’s topshop blouse does. People who do not have that problem probably have ugly shoes and sport tattooed eyebrows.

A profile is always required, so curiously, I did manage to find quite a few gloriously funny (or disturbingly scary) personal profiles off da web.

Who am i? I am a born-again corporate whore. I complain, I muse, I mock, I rant, I bitch…

Enjoy folks…:D

“”Patriarch of up-and- coming religion seeks alter girl””

””You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think. Single male farmer looking to teach some cowgirl the ropes””.

“”Desperately lonely loser, SWM,32,miserable,apathetic, tired of tv and watching my roomates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.””

””SWM looking for blind female, any race or age. But of course blind people can't read so please fix me up with your friends.””

””Bitter, disillusioned SM recently rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, reliable woman, If such a thing exists in this cruel world of hatchet faced witches.””

“”Break out of the tired old traditional male/female roles. I'll be the baby seagull and you feed me regurtitated raw fish like a nurturing momma bird. I'll provide the raw herring and vomit inducer, you bring the strap-on beak. No weirdos, please.””

””SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.””

””Fat, flatulent, over 40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean, and pick up unemployment checks.””

””Former bank robber, now in prison. Communication, intimacy assured. Out soon, financially secure, relocatable.””

“”Wanted. Double jointed supermodel who owns her own microbrewery and grows her own weed. If you have a twin you will get extra points.””

“”Hi, my name is Crystal and thanx for reading my profile. I am a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy woman with long, golden, luxuriously soft and silky blond hair and lovely crystal clear sky blue eyes. I have a awesome award winning smile, blemish free complexion topped off with a totally adorable pixie cute nose. I am your quintessential girl next door with an trendy, chic twist. I have a wonderful relationship with all the gals down at the hair salon ( except for that b*tch Andrea, she thinks she`s so hot. I sooooo hate her). I like to stay in shape and workout with a trainer 83 times a week but I am not a fanatic. (My personal trainer Derek is soooo totally yummy).””

I am looking for a very discrete relationship with someone that is open minded and is not into games. must be mature and responsible. age does not matter. I am not looking to rush into a relationship...
Interpretation:
I am looking to cheat on my wife with someone who won't play games, although that's exactly what I am planning to do with my wife and with YOU. She must be mature and responsible although by my very presence here, I am showing immaturity and irresponsibility. I don't want to rush into a relationship because I have shown myself to be incapable of having an honest one.

I'M A GOD FEARING MAN WHO'S ABOUT TAKING CARE OF RESPONSIBILITY FIRST. WHEN MAKING LOVE TO MY WOMAN MY PRI0RITY IS TO PLEASE HER FIRST BECAUSE IF SHE'S PLEASED THEN I'M AUTOMATICALLY PLEASE. I'M A HARD WORKER WHO CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST. HAVE A BLESS DAY.
Interpretation:
I am a zealot who thinks he's the Don Juan of the Southside. I also know nothing of internet etiquette or grammar. I don't know what a "caps lock" is. With the use of "my woman," I exhibit a tendency to think of a woman as a possession! I ran off my wife, so now I have to look for luv on the innerweb. (heehe!)

Come join the party
I am out going, love good conversation I like it when I am with a lady that is smart and sexy.I enjoy a clean house to some extent not extreme measures an I enjoy good sex and good times with one person.
Interpretation:
I am looking for someone to clean house and be my sex toy after she's done.

I still open doors!
I`m a shy person not one that likes a crowd. I seem to be too affectionate towards women, I`ve been told. I like romance and time together with a woman.I like to go to romantic places, weekend getaways, the beach.
I would likr to meet a woman that likes being with their mate, someone that will put the effort into a realationship. Someone willing to communicate thier feelings. Someone that does not flirt with other men, but will with me. A woman with no sexual problems. I know your out there somewhere.
Interpretation:
I'm insecure, clingy, jealous and possessive. I worry myself sick when my partner is anywhere out of my sight about what she might be doing and with whom. In my mind, "flirting with other men" includes speaking to them or making eye contact with them.

Looking for honest , reliable...
I'm who I am I'm honest.faithfull ,@ dependable . I'm hard headed strong willed ,determined@ I'm very loylaly . Work all the the time. But I do like to play with the right person . I'm looking for a friend.companion ,@ hopefully for a wife .For the rest of my life .
Interpretation:
I need a woman with editing skills. For the rest of my life.

I consider myself to be the average looking "fella". I've been told by the ladies in my life that I'm handsome,but everyone does'nt have the same taste in a mate! LOL. A dream date for me might be on a picnic with that special lady in Scotland,among the beautiful countryside or maybe somewhere on the Carribean Islands! I am temporarily living with my pop, until I find a new place to live. I like a lady that has a good sense of humor. Intelligent,Loyal,Honest,playful,affectionate,passionate,my best friend.
Interpretation:

My mother and sisters think I'm cute. I'm a big talker but in reality I am 46 and live with my parents. Basically I need a woman who can put up with ANYTHING.

This Internet Dating Thing Is Probably Not The Way to Go, But You Never Know. I'm Not A Bar Hopper So I'll Give It A Try!
Interpretation:

I have Compulsive Capitalization Disorder.

Tired of being hurt. im a very laid back guy. i love to laugh. laughter gets me through my rough times . i try to see humor in everything. im tired of reading profiles that say that i do this and i do that, when do you work!! i go to work and i come home tired. i do like to get out and have fun, just not all the time. when you are single and have a child to raise its hard to go off all the time. my time with my 8yr old son is important to me. we have a great time being with each other. i dont like the bar scene, its just not me. imnjust looking for a good friend to hang out with and to enjoy life, we only have one. i would like to share it with someone that i care about. my next relationship has to be my best friend that loves me for who i am.
Interpretation:

I have too many issues to list. I seem to have missed the whole point of this internet thing, which is to make myself look APPEALING to someone else.

my friends describe mi unique
you can always mus hah god homor i laik sexy women no more 35
i laik muvis
Interpretation:

Hooked On Phonics did NOT work for me!

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in newspapers:

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

And my favourite…

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, race unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play, take long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights by the fire. Really like a man with a pickup truck. A candlelight dinner will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call (***) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

**Note this is an ad looking for a new home for an unwanted pet. :D